WIDE AWAKE NOG NOG PARTY

A Word From Our Sponser
From Vice President and CEO of
Upstate Savings Banks
transcribed for your pleasure

Roy Blandman's Christmas Message To You: That's Bland, Man!

RB: I'm glad I can be here tonight. I'd like to start off with a promotional ad for Upstate Savings Bank. Maybe you've seen it on your television (weird emphasis on "television" accompanied by weird hand gesture).



Television ad: A pair of disembodied eyes floating. Soothing jazz music. Fade out. Fade in. The figure with the bulging eyes stands staring, a cat toy dangles in front of him. When a cat grabs for the toy a voice says, "Now we have you!" Fade out. Fade in. Close up on the cat toy. A voice repeating, " ...MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY...". The toy floats to the eye level of the bug-eyed figure. A voice says, "Our founder had a vision, the beauty of the American dollar. He stands transfixed for eternity. But his vision lives on. Upstate Savings Bank."



RB: Osmosis. Yes, osmosis. That is our greeting and our goodbye. Because it is the most important part of our bank. We know all about osmosis. The gloves must be worn for unwanted information seepage. The dark shades, because the eyes are the windows to the soul. Every time you touch a dollar bill you are connected to our founder's vision through osmosis. You are assimilated into us, our philosophy. That is, THE BEST FINANCIAL DECISION YOU CAN MAKE IS TO SPEND MONEY. Every time you drive your car the exhaust fumes are converted into money for us. And we make that money available to you. You can rely on your old man's money, you can rely on your old man's money, because...



Music starts: (Rich Girl - Hall and Oates). RB sings a touching rendition of the rock classic tinged with irony and hidden messages. Strange hand gestures and inflections abound. RB's voice shifts in tone in accordance with his philosophy. This conveys a meaning to all witnesses, making them one with the founder's vision. RB's rendition of Rich Girl is arranged in a way which causes a new and startling realization in the gathered throng of eggnog drunk revelers. The resulting orgy of power and depravity is too shocking to be described here. Let me just close with RB's closing words to the titillated eggnoggers.

"Merry Christmas Everybody! Merry Christmas!"